


Of Plans and Issues

by nanuk_dain



Series: Of Soldiers and Secrets [21]
Category: Band of Brothers
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-11-19
Updated: 2011-11-19
Packaged: 2017-10-26 06:48:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/280002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nanuk_dain/pseuds/nanuk_dain
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Things have changed while Lipton was gone. Or: How Lipton's family experiences his return.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Of Plans and Issues

  
[   
](http://pics.livejournal.com/nanuk_dain/pic/0008xqg1)   


 

Carwood had changed.

It was subtle and it didn't come across as much when he was around them, but it showed when he thought nobody was paying him any attention. Hannah Lipton was a very observant person, though – she had to be in order to lead a decent boarding house – and it took her less than a day to pick up on it. She noticed how he held himself straighter than he had before, how he seemed to be alert all the time, how he was even quieter than he'd always been. He smiled, but it seemed to hold a note that she couldn't entirely define, a shadow that made her inexplicably sad.

She watched her son, worried about how Carwood didn't throw himself back into life. He was checking on the degree courses at the university and he had organised a meeting with the dean to discuss his admission and the financing, but he didn't go to social events, didn't try to meet a woman to settle down. At first she had thought that the unpleasant way his marriage had ended had made him suspicious and unwilling to start anew. Sarah had been a nice girl, friendly and caring in the way a wife should be, and what had happened had not only surprised Carwood and his family, but Sarah's family as well. Her pregnancy while Carwood was gone must have been like slap in his face, and although Hannah knew he'd never said a word of complaint about it to either his family or Sarah herself, it must have hit him hard. It was understandable if Carwood didn't trust easily anymore.

After the first two weeks, Hannah got the impression that her assumptions were wrong, though. Carwood seemed happy. He spent a lot of his time with his friend Mister Speirs – Ronald, he'd offered to Hannah after the first few days – and they went out to the bar at nights regularly. They never returned late, though, were never drunk and never too loud. There was the odd date with one of the local women, but they never brought them back to the boarding house. They were an image of decent behaviour. During the day they often went to town and shortly after the new year, Ronald told them he'd found a job as a fire fighter at the Huntington Fire Department.

A week later, Carwood had been accepted by the university. He'd broken the news to them with a huge smile and had invited them to dinner at a fancy restaurant that same evening. Emily had been thrilled, happy to spent time with her brother and Ronald, whom she obviously had a crush on. Hannah didn't worry, though. Ronald was a very reserved man, impeccable in his treatment of Emily, always very polite and friendly, but he kept his distance. He was very different from Carwood, and more than once, Hannah had wondered what had brought on the obvious friendship they shared.

The evening at the restaurant had been easy and pleasant, the food had been excellent and the conversation interesting. Emily had been more shy than she usually was, obviously intimidated by the overwhelming atmosphere of the restaurant and the way Carwood and Ronald offered her their arms, walking to both sides of her. John had exchanged a look with Hannah, both of them amused how easy it was to make the girl happy. That evening, Carwood had smiled for real, and it had almost been like before the war.

Ronald began working at the Fire Department around mid January. He left early in the morning and returned in the evening. Sometimes he worked the night shift, and the trips to the bar with Carwood became less frequent. Instead, they sat together in the living room many evenings, quite often with John or Emily, and a quiet kind of routine settled in. Sometimes, Hannah was surprised how easily Ronald had become a steady part of the boarding house. Neither her nor John or Emily regarded him as a guest anymore. Maybe it was Carwood's quiet but obvious familiarity with him that made it so easy to get used to him, or it was his quiet way and his impeccable manners. Hannah always felt as if they saw only one side of him, though, as if there was far more to the man than what he allowed to show. The quick looks and the constant glances Carwood and Ronald exchanged as if they weren't even aware of it served only to confirm her suspicion.

It was early one Saturday morning when she was in the kitchen preparing her tea that she saw Carwood standing outside on the porch, his arms resting on the balustrade and a cigarette in his hand. She'd never seen her boy smoke before. He was only wearing pants and a shirt although it was very cold outside. New snow had fallen that night and the steps were frozen, but he didn't seem to notice. He was utterly still, only the occasional raising of his hand to drag on the cigarette interrupted his motionlessness.

Hannah couldn't help watching him, feeling her heart clench at the sadness and the loneliness that seemed to surround him like a cloak. She knew that he'd seen and experienced terrible things in the war, but it had never been as obvious as it was at that precise moment. She wanted to join him outside, pull him into a hug to reassure him that he wasn't alone, just like she'd always done when he'd been a child. But she knew it wasn't her place anymore, knew that Carwood would smile and reassure her that he was fine because he didn't want her to worry, but he wouldn't open up to her. He was strong, had learned to be from the moment of the accident, when it had been up to him to take care of his two younger siblings and his invalid mother. She wished nothing more than that she could have spared him that burden, but she'd long since learned it was pointless to mourn the past.

Carwood blew out a cloud of smoke, blue-grey in the faint light of dawn, and stared off into places she couldn't see. He wasn't taking in the view of the garden or the street or the houses, she was sure of that. He saw memories, and judging by the way he was hunched over, it weren't good ones. Suddenly Ronald appeared and placed a warm coat over Carwood's shoulders before he joined him at the balustrade, leaning with both arms on the wood.

“You shouldn't be out here without warm clothes.” He said, his voice so quiet she almost couldn't hear it. “You know what the cold can do to your body, Car.”

“I know.” Carwood turned and gave him a little smile, then he handed his cigarette over to Ronald and put the coat on properly. “Thank you.”

Ronald stared at him intensely, Carwood's cigarette between his lips. “We don't want that pneumonia to come back, do we?”

Carwood was quiet for a long moment before he accepted the cigarette when Ronald held it out to him. “Certainly not, no.”

Hannah was very still in the kitchen. This was the first time she'd ever seen somebody take care of Carwood and him actually accept it. From the few words they'd exchanged, from the strange kind of routine in how they treated each other, she could tell that this wasn't the first time Ronald had taken care of Carwood. Hannah frowned. She'd known that Carwood had been injured in Europe because he'd told her about it in a letter without elaborating. She'd had to fight the urge to gasp in shock when she'd first seen the scar on his face that told her how close he'd come to dying. She had never heard a word about pneumonia, though.

“So you better remember to put on proper clothes before you decided to go for a smoke.” Ronald remarked, and there was an edge to his words that made Hannah wonder what had happened in Europe. How bad that pneumonia had been.

Carwood inched closer to Ron until they were pressed side to side, and his hand came to rest on the small of Ronald's back. “I will, Ron.”

“Good.” Ronald replied and she had the impression that he leaned into the touch. He took the cigarette out of Carwood's fingers and dragged in the smoke. “We survived too much, Car. Don't be reckless now.”

There was a tone to his voice that made Hannah shiver. She wasn't sure she ever wanted to know what had caused it.

Carwood's arm left the small of Ronald's back to wrap around his waist and pull him closer. “I promise.”

It was then that Hannah decided that she'd seen and heard more than she should have. She turned her wheelchair around and returned to her room, the tea on a tray on her legs. She needed some time alone to think about what she'd learned.

It was a about two weeks later that Carwood told her about the house he was going to buy. Hannah listened and wanted nothing more than to ask him to look for a nice girl, to get married again and start a family. She wanted him to be happy, to live the life he'd established before the war, the life that had been destroyed by Sarah's unfaithfulness. Hannah had opened her mouth to tell him as much when Ronald came into the room, back straight and face impassive as always. The change in her son's attitude was subtle to anyone but her, because she knew him, knew how rare that little smile was that he always gave Ronald without even being aware of it.

She listened to Carwood explaining that Ronald would be his tenant, that the rent would help him finance the house. She watched the happy glow in her son's eyes, the relaxed posture of his shoulders, listened to the subtle note of joy in his voice. When Hannah looked up, she found Ronald's gaze focussed on her. For the first time, she had the impression that he'd let down his neutral, polite mask and underneath she saw a heat she hadn't expected, a fierceness and passion that shocked her. There was a promise in his eyes, the promise to protect Carwood with everything he was, even if it meant that he had to protect him from her.

It was then that Hannah decided to never ask Carwood to marry again. He should never need protection from his own family, from her. She could read in Ronald's gaze that there were things between him and her son that she could never understand; memories they shared and experiences they had suffered through that she couldn't even begin to imagine. There was a bond between them that she had picked up on on the very first day of their arrival, but it had taken her until now to understand how deep it really ran.

She held Ronald's gaze, then she gave a little nod. She might never understand what they had, she might never like it, and it would never be what she had wanted for her son, but she knew that there was nothing strong enough to break it. Not even her. She would only hurt Carwood in the process, hurt him beyond mending, and her instincts told her that she would lose him over it. Carwood wasn't the same man he'd been before the war, she'd realised that on many occasions since his return, and she sensed that the man he was now was deeply connected to Ronald Speirs. So deeply that he would never let go of him.

When Carwood and Ronald left the boarding house about a week later to move into the new house, all their possessions in the duffel bags they had arrived with, she waited for them on the porch. Carwood bent down to embrace her and Ronald held out his hand, the same polite mask on his face that he'd worn his whole stay. She accepted his hand and held his gaze, then she told them that she expected both of them back here on Sunday after church for the traditional family lunch.

It was the first time she saw Ronald smile at her.

***

This Speirs guy was strange.

John couldn't quite decide if he liked him or not. Carwood seemed to trust him, though, and that was enough for John to give the man a chance.

At first, John wasn't sure how to behave around Speirs, who was quite difficult to get to know. He was quiet and reserved, even if he was never outright unfriendly. With the passing of time, John got used him and began to pick up on his sharp humour that came out when he sat with John and Carwood around the living room table in the evening, playing cards with a glass of whiskey standing close by. It never showed when Emmy played with them, though, and John quietly approved of it. She was too young for some of Speirs' remarks.

In the second month after Carwood's and Speirs' arrival, John had slowly begun to accept Speirs as a part of the boarding house. He helped out when asked and worked with John and Carwood on fixing the roof on the weekends when he wasn't on call at the Fire Department. Sometimes it annoyed John how much time Carwood spent with Speirs, time that he'd used to spent with John before. Carwood had refused to take John along with them to the bar when he'd first asked shortly after Christmas, and every time since John had received the same answer. It was as if they didn't want him along, and it grated on John's nerves. He was twenty-two years old and had every right to go to the bar, but that didn't seem to change Carwood's mind.

John had begun to come to terms with the fact that Carwood still saw him as a boy, as his kid brother, and he'd decided to have a word with him to put things straight. With that determination in mind, he came home from town late one afternoon. When he entered the hallway, Emmy rushed past him, looking rather upset, but she was gone before he could react. John shrugged it off as one of her moods and and went to find Carwood. He wasn't in his room or in the kitchen, so John walked on to the living room.

The door was ajar and John heard Carwood's voice coming from the room. He had his hand on the handle when he suddenly froze, staring through the gap between the door and the frame. He could see Speirs with his arms wrapped around Carwood's waist, standing behind him and reading a piece of paper over his shoulder.

“So it's true. We finally have our own home.” he heard Speirs say, his mouth close to Carwood's ear.

Carwood grinned and tapped the piece of paper with his left index finger. “Yes, we do. There it is, in black and white.”

John stood transfixed in the door, his fingers clenched around the handle as he watched Speirs press a kiss on Carwood's neck.

“What the...?” The words had escaped him before he'd become aware of it. Carwood's and Speirs' heads jerked up immediately, staring at him with wide eyes. John noticed how his brother straightened, how a tension entered his body that hadn't been there before. Speirs let go of him, but not suddenly as if he was embarrassed for getting caught, no, slowly. He moved in front of Carwood ever so slightly and his expression, his whole body language changed.

John couldn't help feeling suddenly threatened. This wasn't the same man who had lived with them for the past two months. There was something dark and dangerous about him, and after a moment John realised that he was facing the soldier from the European Theatre and not the civilian he'd come to know. It made his skin prickle with something close to fear.

Carwood caught on to the shift in Speirs immediately and he touched his hand to Speirs arm and gave him a quick glance. “Ron.”

After a second, Speirs nodded, but John could see the reluctance when he stepped back and left the room through the door to the hallway. It was as if he and Carwood had had a whole conversation in that one look, and it made John angry in a way he couldn't explain.

“Come in, John.” Carwood said quietly, and John could see the tension that radiated from his brother. For a moment, he was tempted to just slam the door, make it rattle in its hinges, but he knew that wouldn't help him disperse his anger. Only confronting Carwood would give him any relief, and he felt so close to exploding that he decided to step into the room and get over with it. He was spoiling for a fight, and he knew it.

“What the hell were you doing there?” John asked with a frown, gesturing at the door Speirs had disappeared through.

“We bought a house.” Carwood replied, his back incredibly straight and his voice tight with controlled emotion. “I just signed the contract and came here to show him.”

“That's not what I meant, and you know it.” John's voice had risen, his anger was boiling up inside him. “He kissed your neck! That's not something friends do!”

Carwood was quiet for a moment and John couldn't tell if it was because he wasn't sure what to say to the accusation or because he was trying to calm his own temper. “No, it's not.”

“Damn right it's not!” John shouted and glared at his brother.

“We're more than friends, John.” Carwood's voice still held that quiet tone, but now there was an edge to it.

“More than friends?” John gritted out, though he had a pretty good idea what Carwood was talking about. He'd heard about men who were 'that way', rumours and whispered accusations at work about some other guys. There had never been anything good said about the men who were 'that way', and John didn't dare to put his own brother in the same league with those men. “What do you mean, 'more than friends'?”

“Ron is my partner. In every sense of the word.” Carwood said while pinning John with a gaze that dared him to say anything bad about Speirs. There was the same kind of dangerous atmosphere around him that John had sensed from Speirs only moments earlier, and although it scared John, it also made him even angrier. It was as if Carwood chose that man over his family, and that was something his brother would never have done before he'd left for that damned war.

“That's... That's... wrong! It's disgusting and shameful! It's _unnatural_!” John yelled, blinded by anger and his blood pounding in his ears.

“You know what's unnatural, John?” Never in his life had John seen his brother furious. Angry on some rare occasions, but never furious. Carwood didn't shout, didn't explode. He became very still, but John saw his jaw clench and the muscles in his neck worked furiously. When he spoke, his voice was quiet but intense in a way that made John freeze on the spot. “Unnatural is watching your friends being torn to pieces because a mortar hit their foxhole while the one that hit yours was a dud. Unnatural is having to go through their remains to find their dog tags to give them to your commanding officer. Unnatural is holding a friend in your arms and watch him bleed out right under your hands. Unnatural is almost freezing to death in holes in the ground along with your whole company while there are mortar attacks every other night and every time they're over, there are a few men less.”

John felt a shiver run down his spine and goosebumps spread all over his body at the images Carwood described. What hit him most was that he understood Carwood was talking from experience, that everything he'd just said were things he'd lived through over in Europe. His brother's eyes were fixed on him with a gaze filled with so much pain under his fury that John felt almost sick.

Carwood's voice dropped a notch, became haunted and pained more than it was angry. “Unnatural is seeing human beings who look like ghosts, starved to death, tortured, mistreated and killed in the most cruel ways possible just because they were different from what some regime considered the norm. Unnatural is remembering what burnt human flesh smells like because you were in one of those death camps for so long that the stench lingered in your clothes for days afterwards. Unnatural is walking through a sea of corpses that are barely recognisable as human anymore, numbers tattooed on their skin as if they were cattle.”

Carwood stopped and took a deep breath, as if he was trying to calm himself. “It isn't unnatural to care for the men who have become your brothers in every way but by birth. It isn't unnatural to want a moment of peace and comfort in the arms of a person you care about. It isn't unnatural to want them to survive so that you can share a moment of happiness with them. It isn't unnatural to fall in love, John, and it's not your choice who you fall in love with.”

John couldn't say a word when his brother fell silent. He just stood by the door, stunned into something between horror, guilt and overwhelming shame. He swallowed against the huge lump that blocked his throat. Carwood just looked at him with eyes that were far too old for the young man they belonged to, then he sighed and shook his head in a tiredness that seemed to go beyond the physical. “Think about what you say, John. Because when you say you consider what I have with Ron unnatural, then you are on the same side with those Nazis who installed the death camps, and I am on the side of those who were killed in those camps. Because that's what they did with men like me.”

Carwood stood up, moving very slowly, as if he was exhausted beyond what he could take. He walked to the door and left the room without another word. It took John a long time until he was able to move again, and then he only managed to sag down against the door he'd come through in righteous anger only ten minutes ago.

It seemed like it had been a lifetime ago.

The next morning, John was careful to avoid Carwood. It seemed to be a mutual feeling, and John was grateful for it. He didn't know how to look at his brother, how to talk to him, how to behave around him. John felt ashamed for his words, hadn't been able to sleep the entire night, but he wasn't ready to apologise yet. He was glad when he left for work without coming across his brother.

It wasn't possible to avoid Carwood over dinner, though. He looked tired and worn out in a way John had never seen before. Speirs threw John a glare over the table that held anger, disappointment and reproach in equal measure. It made John feel even worse.

It was the next morning, when John was on his way to the kitchen to get breakfast, that he spotted Carwood standing outside on the porch, a cigarette in his fingers. John watched him while he got coffee, then he took a deep breath and made his way outside with the steaming mug in his hand. Carwood didn't turn when John came to stand next to him and held out the cup.

“You and Speirs... Would you like some help renovating that new place of yours?” John asked quietly, his fingers clenched around the handle of the mug.

Carwood slowly turned his head and looked at him for a very long time, his gaze intense and searching. John bit his lip, worried that he might have broken something he wouldn't be able to fix.

“Yeah.” Carwood nodded slowly and accepted the mug. “We would like that.”

And just like that, John knew that things would be all right. It wouldn't be forgotten and he'd have to work to get Carwood's trust back, but he knew he had been given a chance to prove himself worthy.

John smiled in relief, and after a moment, Carwood returned it.

***

Emily liked Mister Speirs.

When Carwood had come home and had brought Mister Speirs with him, Emily had immediately been attracted to his mysterious aura. He didn't smile very often – actually she couldn't remember ever having seen him smile for real – but he was friendly and charming and had a very nice voice. He was a real gentlemen and always treated her with utmost respect. Not to mention that he looked fantastic. He was everything a girl could wish for.

She hadn't thought about it too much until Carwood had been accepted into Marshall University and had invited the whole family to a very nice restaurant to celebrate. Emily had taken extra care with her wardrobe, had put on her best dress and had asked Mother to do her hair. She'd felt like a real lady when Carwood had offered her his arm, and she'd felt even better when Mister Speirs had stepped up to her other side and offered her his arm too. When they'd walked into the entrance hall of the restaurant, Emily had noticed the admiring glances she had received with these two handsome men at her side. It was then that she had first thought about how great it would be to have a man like Mister Speirs as her husband.

She knew he wasn't married and she knew Mother liked him. John seemed to be all right with him, too, and Carwood obviously trusted him unconditionally. So after that fateful evening, Emily wondered if he was what they'd consider a suitable husband for her. She was nineteen, it was time for her to find an honourable man, get married and start a family. Mother had told her some time ago that she expected Emily to take over the boarding house since John had already found good work and Carwood was planning to attend university. A husband was everything she needed to be happy, and Mister Speirs seemed to be the ideal candidate.

Of course, Emily thought, it would be wise to ask Carwood first. He knew Mister Speirs best, so he might be able to tell her more. Emily waited until she had the opportunity to talk with Carwood alone. She didn't want Mother or John knowing about her train of thought should Carwood tell her something that would make her change her mind. She couldn't think of anything that would, apart from Mister Speirs having a fiancée she didn't know about, or him not wanting her. When she found Carwood in the kitchen early one evening, composing a letter of some kind, she realised her opportunity had finally come.

Emily entered and approached the table. “Brother, can I ask you something?”

“Of course, Emmy.” Carwood said with that gentle smile she loved so much and put his pen aside.

Emily licked her lips and nervously smoothed her skirt when she sat down on the chair opposite of him. “It's about Mister Speirs.”

“What about him?” Carwood asked with an eyebrow raised in question.

Emily bit her lip. “He isn't married, is he?”

“He's divorced.” Carwood said, and she thought he sounded careful. She knew he'd guessed what this was about. Good, it would make it easier for her to address the matter.

“Well, I was wondering...” Emily stopped, looked at her hands in her lap and bit her lip again. How was the best way to phrase this? She really should have planned this conversation better. “I mean, do you think he would be interested in me? As a wife?”

When Carwood didn't reply, she looked up. She had never seen him so still. He sat so straight that it almost looked painful, and she noticed how his hand had clenched into a first, crumpling the letter. When he spoke, his voice was calm, though. “Why do you ask?”

Emily watched her brother carefully. She had the feeling there was something she didn't understand, something he wasn't saying. “Well, I like him, and it's time for me to start thinking about a family. Mister Speirs is an honourable man, and I could imagine having a family with him.”

“You're only nineteen, Emmy. You don't have to marry yet.” Carwood replied with a tenderness in his voice that she remembered from her childhood days when he'd comforted her after a fight with John, or when he'd taken care of a scratch she'd got while playing outside. She had always liked that voice, but right now, it made her angry. She wasn't a child anymore. She could very well make her own decisions, and while Carwood was her older brother, he had no right telling her that she was too young for her own family.

“I have been running the boarding house for years, Carwood.” Emily said and tried hard not to lose her temper. “I have fulfilled the duties of a wife in this house long enough to know what having a family means. I take care of guests, I cook, I wash, I organise the household, I plan and check the finances. I may only be nineteen, brother, but I can very well take care of my own family.”

“I didn't mean to imply that you couldn't, Emmy.” Carwood sighed and rubbed his eyes, as if he didn't know how to handle this situation. “I know you can, I have seen how well the boarding house is doing.”

“Then what problem do you have with me wanting to marry?” He didn't reply, and a thought crossed her mind that had never come to her before. “Or do you just have a problem with the man of my choice?”

That made Carwood's head jerk up, the letter making a crackling sound when his hand crushed it for good.

“Is that the problem, Carwood? Is it that you don't want your best friend to marry your sister?” Emily asked, somehow surprised at the idea. Then she realised that maybe it wasn't about her and a wave of understanding washed over her. “You won't lose him because he'd be married to me, Carwood.”

Carwood looked at her with an expression in his eyes that she couldn't name, couldn't define. She held his gaze, trying to show him that she was serious, that she didn't intend to take his friend away.

After a long time, Carwood closed his eyes for a second and sighed heavily. “But I would lose him, Emmy.”

Emily was confused, she didn't understand. “What makes you say that?”

Carwood just shook his head. “There are things you don't know, Emmy, things that you don't understand.”

“I'm not a child anymore, Carwood.” Emily said resolutely, anger returning with a vengeance. She got up and turned to leave the kitchen before she said anything she would regret later, but she couldn't keep herself from stopping in the doorway. “You need to understand that you're not the only one who grew up in those past few years, Carwood.”

She thought she saw a stricken look on her brother's face, but she was gone too quickly to tell for sure. She tried to forget about the unpleasant conversation in order to keep up the harmony in the boarding house, and she managed quite well. Carwood seemed to accept her effort and didn't do anything to unsettle the fragile peace. Emily still hadn't given up on Mister Speirs and tried to pay him more attention. It was difficult to tell if she had any success with his reserved manner.

It was an evening about two weeks later that Emily, watching through the kitchen window, saw how Carwood climbed the stairs to the house, a huge grin on his face. It was a rare expression for him, and it made her curious. She dried her hands on her apron when she heard the front door being opened, then Carwood's footsteps sounded in the living room that was adjacent to the kitchen.

Emily knew she shouldn't eavesdrop, but she was too curious not to. Especially when it looked like good news with Carwood being so openly happy. So she inched closer to the door that led from the kitchen to the living room and peaked through where it was ajar. Carwood was just pulling a piece of paper out of the pocket of his jacket and handed it over to Mister Speirs.

“We have the house.” she heard Carwood say, his voice quiet but so full of joy that it made her realise she hadn't heard him sound like that since he'd come back. And suddenly, like a ray of sunlight peaking through the clouds after a thunderstorm, Mister Speirs smiled, holding the paper in his hands as if it was a precious treasure. His eyes shone, the corners of his mouth turned upwards, holding back nothing of his joy.

Emily just stared. It was beautiful.

Only then came the realisation that it was her brother who'd caused that smile. After almost two months of living under the same roof with Mister Speirs, this was the very first time she'd seen a real smile on his face, and Carwood was the reason for it. It was Carwood who it was directed at. It was Carwood who returned it with the same glow in his eyes, a glow she hadn't seen very often since his return.

It was then that Emily became aware that this was something she could never elicit in Mister Speirs. Not like Carwood could. It hurt, and she had to hold back a pained noise, so she turned as quietly as she could and left the kitchen. She had to get away from them. She hurried towards her room as quietly as she could, only vaguely aware of passing John who'd just opened the front door.

By the next evening, Emily had calmed down. She hadn't been able to stop thinking about this strange situation, about Mister Speirs, about Carwood, about her. After crying silently in her room for some time, she had made an effort to hide her inner turmoil the best she could so that she would make it through the next day without anybody picking up on her sadness. When she entered the kitchen for dinner, the atmosphere was icy. John didn't look at Carwood or Mister Speirs once, Carwood didn't look at John either, and Mister Speirs glared daggers at John. One quick glance at Mother told Emily that she didn't know what was going on any more than Emily did, but neither asked. Dinner was passed in silence and it was over rather quickly. John left the table as if he was trying to escape from something, and Carwood and Mister Speirs were gone soon after.

“Do you know what that was about?” Mother asked when Emily passed her a plate to dry.

“No.” Emily replied and tried to keep her voice neutral. It wouldn't do to burden Mother any more. “When I saw them yesterday afternoon, they were all fine.”

“Men.” Mother shook her head in exasperation. “If they haven't resolved this by tomorrow, I'm going to have to talk to them.”

Emily just nodded and silently washed the remaining dishes. She was glad when she could leave the kitchen with the excuse that she still had to fold the laundry and bring it to the guests' rooms. She delivered to the student on the first floor and the journalist next door, then she realised that the other clothes were Carwood's. Emily stood in the hallway for a long time, staring at the white shirt and the pants folded neatly on her arm.

She didn't want to see Carwood, but she knew she couldn't avoid him forever. She'd thought about this a lot, and she had come to a conclusion that she was sure was correct. She didn't know what to think of it, of Carwood and Mister Speirs, but she knew that there was something that ran so deep that it made Mister Speirs smile. That meant a lot, seeing how he never showed that expression for anybody else. Not like he had smiled at Carwood.

Emily took a deep breath and approached the door to Carwood's room. She knocked and heard his voice coming from inside, inviting her to enter. Emily pushed the door open slowly and looked over to the desk where Carwood was bent over a thick book, a notepad next to it and a pen in his hand.

She closed the door behind her and sat the laundry down on his bed, well aware that his gaze was following her. “Carwood?”

He turned in his chair and looked at her, his eyes guarded. She didn't like that look at all. “What is it, Emmy?”

“I'm sorry for my stupid behaviour.” Emily said quietly and bit her lip while she sank down to sit on the edge of the bed. “I won't approach Mister Speirs.”

Carwood was quiet for a long time, and she looked up to see what he was thinking. He watched her carefully, all his attention focussed on her. “What made you change your mind?”

“His smile.” she blurted out without thinking about it, and she immediately clasped her hands over her mouth in shock.

Carwood looked at her quizzically. “I'm not sure I understand. What do you mean?”

Emily fidgeted on the edge of the bed and wondered how she could get out of this without embarrassing herself or offending her brother. She didn't know, couldn't come up with anything, so she decided to follow Mother's advice to be straightforward and honest. She looked up and caught her brother's gaze, then she took a deep breath and said, “He is already taken, isn't he?”

Carwood frowned in confusion. “You know he's not married, Emmy.”

She blushed fiercely and forced herself to go on. “I didn't say 'married', Carwood. I said 'taken'.”

Carwood was very quiet. “What are you talking about, Emmy?”

She sighed. It was too late for prudence anyway, she could just as well say what she was thinking. “You were the one who made him smile, Carwood. In the whole time he's been with us, I've only seen him smile once, and that was when you told him about the house.”

There was the beginning of a frown on her brother's face. “How do you know about that?”

“I saw you give him the contract when you came back yesterday.” Emily admitted, blushing because she knew she had done something she shouldn't have. “I saw the way he smiled at you.”

Carwood was quiet for a long moment. “What are you implying, Emmy?”

Emily held his gaze. “You're going to move in together, aren't you?”

Carwood hesitated for a moment, obviously not sure what the change of subject was about, then he nodded. “Yes. He's going to rent a room from me.”

For a moment, Emily was quiet and gnawed on her lip, then she decided to be bold. “Do you love him?”

“Emmy!” Carwood took a sharp breath. He looked rather scandalised, and the shocked expression on his face would have made her laugh if the situation hadn't been so serious.

She didn't let go, though. She needed to know that giving up Mister Speirs was the right thing to do, so she leaned forward the until her elbows rested on her knees and stared at her brother. “Do you?”

Carwood seemed surprised at her insistence. He held her gaze for a long time, searched her eyes as if he was looking for something. He seemed to find it because he let a slow smile show on his lips before he replied, “Yes.”

“Good. Because if I give him up, I want to know that he'll be in good hands.”

Carwood stared at her dumbfounded for a few seconds, then he broke out in surprised laughter. “Emmy, you are unbelievable!”

Emily couldn't help being infected by his laughter. She smiled broadly and watched her brother laugh, real and honest laughter, and it filled her with a deep satisfaction that she had almost forgotten. She hadn't seen him this relaxed since he'd left for the army, and it was only now that she remembered how much she had missed his honest joy. Maybe Mister Speirs was part of that joy, and maybe giving him up for her brother was the only right thing to do. Because whatever Carwood had seen over in Europe that had made him so serious, so controlled and tense, she didn't doubt that Mister Speirs understood it. Mister Speirs had the power to make Carwood relax, to make him smile, and that was worth a lot in her book.

It was worth a lot more than her wish for a husband like Mister Speirs. There were other men out there for her, but there was only this one man for her brother. What that meant she didn't need to know, and she would never ask, but she understood the importance of it.

When Carwood and Mister Speirs left for their new house about a week later, Emily embraced her brother with honest affection. He pulled her close and murmured a quiet 'thank you' in her hair, and she just held on tighter. Then she turned to Mister Speirs and stood on her tiptoes to press a kiss on his cheek and whispered, “Promise me to take good care of him.”

When she pulled back, Mister Speirs looked slightly taken aback, but he regained his composure quickly and returned her gaze firmly. He gave her a little smile, a real one that filled her with warmth.

“I promise.”

**Author's Note:**

> Banner made by Megan_Moonlight


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